I Think My iPod is Gay

This was inspired by a comic routine by Mark Day entitled "I Think My Tivo is Gay"…very funny stuff. I lost the link but if you got to youtube and put Mark Day and gay Tivo into the search engine you'll find it.

This is a warning to any concerned mothers, nuns, or conservative political readers who may be reading this. (This blog hits all those demographics, I assure you. Nuns LOVE me.) In this post I’m going to be using what the Catholics call “naughty” words. They are words that we’ve all heard and said before, say when you lock your keys inside your car or somebody speeds up to keep you from getting in the lane you want even though you’ve had your mother fucking blinker on for 2 fucking miles and you'd THINK that that ASSHOLE would have the common decency to--. Ahem. You see what I mean. But why stop there? I’m also going to be discussing sexual acts, which might be awkward for some. I completely understand. We live in sensitive times and any reference to sex has a corrupting effect. If you talk about sex, you will be become a degenerate whore compelled to either stick your most sensitive body parts into places where it wouldn’t seem like it would be a good place to stick them or you will be compelled to stick objects, organic or otherwise into any convenient opening located on your body. Strangely enough, if done right, this will cause another person to magically grow inside women, until it gets large enough to be expelled out their vaginas. Sounds unlikely, I know. At any rate, this is disgusting and people quite naturally would prefer to discuss more pleasant things like terrorism and supply-side economics. If this does bother you, I have a solution. Whenever I talk about missionary style sex, i.e., man on woman lovin’, replace the word “fucking” with “Doin’ the dishes.” When I talk about anal sex, replace any terms that offend you with “Listening to George Michael.” When I talk about masturbation, replace any offensive terms with “Offending God.” As in, “Don’t come in! I’m offending God!” This may seem rather silly, but it’s no laughing matter. Without euphemisms, there is no way red staters could reproduce.

I live in Idaho, which has been called the most Republican state in the nation. In fact, we just voted to amend the state constitution to ban gay marriage. I mean, it’s already banned. This is like a double-ban. It sends a message to liberal states like California, New York, and Oregon. We hate butt-fucking. Reaaaallllllllly. We don’t like guys doing it. And we certainly don’t want Californians to think that we, as a state, like things shoved up our ass. Cause we see the way you’ve been looking up at us, California. And we feel strangely vulnerable that you’re underneath us and we're not wearing any pants. I mean, we can *trust* Utah, but you guys? So this constitutional amendment is like a big ol’ butt-plug… a chastity butt-plug to keep us safe from those San Franciscans. Ha-hah! Your move, sodomites! Why don't you just keep on spooning with Nevada!

I mean, isn’t that what it really comes down to? Why is there such a fear of gays? It’s gotta be the ass. We are very protective of our asses. We remember “Deliverance” and we, much like Ned Beatty, do not want to “squeal like a pig.” But it seems like an overreaction. Like comedian Bill Maher says, it’s all a matter of taste, and should we legislate taste? I might be disgusted if you want to play “Congressman and pageboy” in the privacy of your own home, but I’m not going to try and pass laws to stop you. (Unless we are talking about an ACTUAL Congressman and pageboy. Wait till they’re legal, Congressman, wait till they are legal.) In fact, I think it is kind of creepy how we are overly focused on what other people are doing in their bedrooms. It's become a legislative obssession. Psychologically speaking, I think Freud might have a lot to say about this.

Now I’m straight, but I love gay culture. I think the gays (and I love to refer to them as “the gays”) have much better taste than the straights do. I’ve often said I’d be gay if wasn’t for the whole man-on-man thing. Frankly, I find men disgusting. I don’t see why anyone, male or female would be interested in having a heaving sack of meat grunting on top of you for, oh, say two minutes. (I’m not describing myself by the way. I last a lot longer than that. 4, maybe 4.5… give me some credit!) Women at least are soft and curvy. There is a poetry about them. Men are more like VCR instruction manuals. To read us you go from step 1 to step 2 to step 3 and even then you can rarely get us to work.

Anyways, living in Idaho, I recognize a kind of kinship with the gays. They are outsiders. So am I. They are persecuted by the government. I can’t prove it, but so am I. They have a strange fascination with Cher. Ummm… yeah… that’s my problem. I think my iPod is gay. If a member of the Idaho legislature were to peruse my playlists they would find some rather damning evidence. Oh sure, on the surface there are plenty of macho, aggressive, testosterone-laden paeans evocative of heterosexual glory. That Papa Roach song about wanting to mutiliate yourself? Oh yeah. That’s on there. (What is more macho than having a knife fight with YOURSELF? Hmmm?) And then there’s that James Blunt song “Beautiful.” Now that’s macho! He basically follows a woman around on a subway that he finds attractive. He spends the whole song leering at her, even though she obviously has a boyfriend, and then he creepily announces that “he has a plan.” Obviously that plan involves “Listening to George Michael” with her. And then, if that’s not macho enough, I have that 50 Cent song where he sings about being in a club and he’s wishing you a happy birthday. You know, 50 Cent, that muscular rapper who doesn’t wear a shirt and has that gleaming shaved chest… Oh dear. That one, perhaps, could get me into trouble.

But the fact of the matter is that I have some rather obviously gay songs. I have to wonder...Was my iPod born gay? Is there some sort of gay switch on the thing? Or did I turn it gay with my music choices? There is the aforementioned Cher. But come on, why should Cher be the province of gays only? Who doesn’t like Cher? Saying you don’t like Cher is like saying: “I don’t like happiness! I want to feel like shit! I’m going to go back to gouging my eyes out while listening to Slipknot. Cause it’s COOL.” Philistines.

There are also an inordinate amount of Pet Shop Boys songs on my iPod. When I first listened to the Pet Shop Boys in the 80’s, I had no idea they were gay, but eventually I started to have my suspicions. Maybe it was the fact that they were producing really good dance music. Or it could have been that a standard line from one of their songs was “Turn on the news and drink some tea/Maybe if you’re with me we’ll do some shopping.” Keep in mind this was before "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." Or it could have been that they actually said they were gay. That was the final clue.

But perhaps the most damning piece of evidence on my iPod is “It’s Raining Men,” by the Weather Girls. This is the most addictive song in all of pop history. This is a very dangerous song for a straight man to love (especially in Idaho.) When I go to the gym and I’m on the treadmill and this song comes on, I must bite my tongue to keep from singing along. This, I’m sure, has saved me from being killed and/or deported to Canada.

In my car, however, I leave that umbrella behind.