The New Cars

I have been car shopping. This is a fun activity enjoyed by scores of Americans who are really rich, like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. For me though (i am not Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie, although I have been confused for Ernest Borgnine) it is quite the chore. And by chore, I mean I'd rather hit myself in the testicles with a deluxe edition copy of Stephen King's "The Stand." The unedited version.

Car salesmen have a bad reputation. They are viewed by most people as the worst kind of scum, like politicians, telemarketers, and pedophiles. Well, come on, that's unfair. They aren't anywhere as bad as politicians. Still, the image of a greasy, ex-high school football quarterback in a suit and tie, who winks at the female customers and disparages women to the male customers is hard to shake. I knew that if I was going to find a decent car that had all the features I wanted (4 cylinder, good fuel economy, ejection seat, surface-to-air missle launcher), I was going to have to have a game plan. My first game plan consisted of locating a roaming pack of howler monkeys. Unable to locate said monkeys, I had to formulate plan 2. Operation: Indifference.

If there's one thing car salesmen hate, it's the feeling that their charm is not being acknowledged. Knowing this, I decided to undercut each car salesman, using this principle. I was working alone, but this principle actually works well in pairs. For example, if a car salesman approaches you, and tries to engage you in conversation, you simply ignore him and talk to the person next to you. If you are alone, simply open up your cell phone and pretend to talk about something really banal.
Car salesman: "Can I help you, miss?"
You on the phone: "Oh my god! Skim milk? REALLY?"

Another tactic is to ask lots of questions. It doesn't matter if they are related to cars or not. In fact, it's better if they don't.

Car Salesman: "Can I help you, little filly?"
You: "Can you tell me what the depreciation value is like for this model? What kind of fuel economy does this car get? Spock or Yoda? Who would win in a fight? Did Oswald act alone or was he a patsy of a secret cabal of a shadow government? What is Olestra? You're a car salesman, right? What is your favorite Cars song? If it matches mine, I will buy the first car I see."

Another tactic to disorient and fuck with car salesman is to pretend that you are rich and powerful.

Car Salesman: "Can I help you, my ripe young tomato?"
You: "Yesssss, dahlink, I am looking to buy a Ferrari, but I need it in teal to match my limited edition Assault Vehicle Hummer. I'll need trunk space for my collection of furs and other exotic animals...and oh yes, your balls hanging from the rear view mirror. Bow before me, plebian, but not before fetching me a chilled Peligrino!"

My favorite distraction technique was just to talk about anything but cars. "So what do you think of this number," the salesman would say pointing to a god-awful PT Cruiser (sorry, those things just look wrong to me). And it should be noted that every car salesman is obssessed with unloading PT Cruisers. Even if you go on a Kia lot, they have thousands of PT Cruisers that they are trying to get rid of. The first time I was shown one, I was pretty honest, but in a Larry David kinda way. I stared at it for like 5 minutes...
Me: "Eh. I'm not feeling it."
Incredulous Salesman: "You don't like the PT Cruiser?"
Me: "Eh...it's shape is...worrisome to me."
Incredulous Salesman: "People LOVE this car."
Me: "I'm trying to...The shape is disturbing."
Incredulous Salesman: "BUT--"
Me: "I'm trying to love the PT Cruiser! But it's not happening!"

After this, I just tried to change the subject.
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: What kind of shoes are those?
Salesman: What?
Me: Did you get those at Dillards?
Salesman: I, uh, I don't remember...
Me: They're nice.
Salesman: Now this car is perfect for you--
Me: Do they come in brown?
Salesman: Well, we have several colors...
Me: No, the shoes. Because I have black shoes. Not quite like those. But similar. So I'm thinking brown.


So, these are ideas to get you started in your quest for a car. Realistically, they probably won't help you. But they'll annoy salesmen. And really, isn't that what it's all about?