Ask a 16th Century Poet

O elequont and just Fate! Attend to our human frailty in all of its foolishness and caprice. Ease the soul's torment; let thy soothing words heal all iniquity. Is there no balm in Gilead?

Dear Ask a 16th Century Poet,

I recently asked out this woman that I have had a crush on. My biggest problem is that it's been years since I've went out on a date. When is the right time to move in and kiss her?

--Inexperienced in Indianapolis

Dear Inexperienced,

"Her lips did smell lyke unto Gillyflowers,
Her ruddy cheeks lyke unto Roses red;
Her snowy browes lyke buddled Bellamoures,
Her lovely eyes like Pincks newly spred,
Her Goodly bosome lyke a Strawberry bed,
Her neck lyke to a bounch of Cullambynes;
Her brest lyke lillyes, ere theyr leaves be shed,
Her nipples lyke yong blossomd Jessemynes."-- Edmund "Spense" Spenser

Dear Ask a 16th Century Poet,

Recently I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me. With my sister! Now I feel like I can't trust him or my sister ever again. Should I forgive them? Is it possible to ever recover from this pain?
--Hurting in Hanover

Dear Hurting,

"Farewell, false love, the oracle of lies,
A mortal foe and enemy to rest;
An envious boy, from whom all cares arise;
A bastard vile, a beast with rage possessed;
A way of error, a temple full of treason,
In all effects contrary to reason."-- Sir Walter Ralegh

Dear Ask a 16th Century Poet,

I am hopelessly nerdy and I can't get the ladies interested in me. In particular, there is this girl in my Gym class that is particularly smokin', but whenever I walk by her, she looks at me like I'm something she'd scrape off her shoe. How can I change this?
--Ostracized in Ontario

Dear Ostracized,
"There is a garden in her face,
Where roses and white lilies grow;
A heav'nly paradise is that place,
Wherein all pleasant fruits do flow.
There cherries grow, which none may buy
Till "Cherry ripe!" themselves do cry." -- Thomas Campion

Dear Ask a 16th Century Poet,

I have a friend who is always bringing me down. I try and see the positive in life, but my friend has a "glass-half-empty" perspective. It's really starting to bug me. What can I do to change his perspective?

--Sullen in Scranton

Dear Sullen,
"Adieu, farewell, earth's bliss,
This world uncertain is;
Fond are life's lustful joys,
Death proves them all but toys,
None from his darts can fly;
I am sick, I must die.
Lord, have mercy on us!" --Thomas Nashe

Dear Ask a 16th Century Poet,

My fiance refuses to invite me to see his parents. He says that they are really picky and would just drive me nuts. I say, I need to meet them and decide for myself. Am I being unreasonable?

--Uncomfortable in Umatilla

Dear Uncomfortable,

"O false and treacherous Probability,
Enemy of truth, and friend to wickednesse;
With whose bleare eyes opinion learnes to see
Truths feeble party here, and barrennesse.
When thou hast thus misled Humanity,
And lost obedience in the pride of wit,
With reason dar'st thou judge the Deity,
And in thy flesh make bold to fashion it."-- Fulke Greville

Dear Ask a 16th Century Poet,
I live in an apartment with two roomates who are constantly fighting. They are both my friends, but both of them will try to get me to take their side. Sometimes I can see that one is clearly in the wrong, but I feel bad betraying the other one. What should I do?
--Conflicted in Chico

Dear Conflicted,

"Blame not my lute, for he must sound
Of this or that as liketh me:
For lack of wit the lute is bound
To give such tunes as pleaseth me.
Though my songs be somewhat strange,
And speaks such words as touch thy change,
Blame not my lute." --Sir Thomas Wyatt the Elder

Dear Ask a 16th Century Poet,

My wife and I can't agree on where to go this year for our vacation. Is it wrong to consider seperate vacations?
--Frustrated in Fresno

Dear Frustrated,

"The chaste wife, wise, without debate;
Such sleeps as may beguile the night;
Contented with thine own estate;
Neither wish death nor fear his might." -- Henry Howard, Earl of Surrey

Dear Ask a 16th Century Poet,

I have a huge crush on a co-worker. I think he is interested in me, but I can't be sure and I'm not sure it's a good idea to confess such a thing at work. Is there a way to let him know I am interested and still remain professional?

--Pining in Pittsburgh

Dear Pining,

"Unhappy Dido burns, and in her rage
Throughout the town she wand'reth up and down,
Like to the stricken hind with shaft in Crete
Throughout the woods, which chasing with his darts
Aloof, the shepherd smiteth at unawares
And leaves unwist in her the thirling head,
That through the groves and launds glides in her flight;
Amid whose side the mortal arrow sticks." --Henry Howard, Earl of Surrey

Dear Ask a 16th Century Poet,

I recently found a wallet with no identification in it. But it had $100. Since there is no way to track the owners down, I say it's all right to keep it. My friends say that is wrong. Who's right on this one?

--Lucky in Louisville

Dear Lucky,

"FIE, foolish earth, think you the heaven wants glory
Because your shadows do yourself benight?
All's dark unto the blind, let them be sorry;
The heavens in themselves are ever bright.
Fie, fond desire, think you that love wants glory
Because your shadows do yourself benight?"--Fulke Greville

Dear Ask a 16th Century Poet,

My New Year's resolution is to lose twenty pounds. I'm ready to exercise and eat right, but my wife keeps on tempting me by eating bags of Doritos. I'm not sure how I can tell her that she is sabotaging my efforts.

--Dorito-less in Dover

Dear Dorito-less,

"Cupid, thou naughty boy, when thou wert loathed,
Naked and blind, for vagabonding noted,
Thy nakedness I in my reason clothed,
Mine eyes I gave thee, so was I devoted.
Fie, wanton, fie; who would show children kindness?"-- Fulke Greville

This has been "Ask a 16th Century Poet."