Rachel Ray's Food Diaries

March 17, 2006-- Dear Diary, today I went condiment shopping! They have these ketchups that come in different colors, like blue. When I saw them, I thought wow, that's weird, okay. I was freaking a little, let me tell you. Still, I like to try new things and mix it up. Mix it UP! (Oprah told me I needed a catch-phrase and I'm trying out a few.) And get this! The ketchup still tastes like red even though it's blue. Wacky! I bought 6 bottles because I had a coupon where you had to buy 6 bottles to get the 50 cents off. I loves my coupons. I'll be the first to admit it.

March 21, 2006-- Oprah, Steadman, Dr. Phil and his wife Laura Schlessinger came over for brunch, only it was *after* lunch, so I called it "linner." Dr. Phil thought this was really funny. I thought he was going to choke. He kinda smells, not to be mean or anything. Note to self: stock up on Renuzit, orange blossom smell! I was going to cook sea bass in a cream and butter sauce, but I spent the entire day fishing and could not catch any. Sorry, gang! So we ordered pizza. Get the door, it's Dominos! Ha! Ha! We washed it down with cold Zima. Dr. Phil got very drunk and made a pass at me. I should call him "Dr. Grabby-hands"!

April 16, 2006-- Well, today was the holiest of holidays, Easter. And you know what that means! Easter egg hunt! I dressed up in a Easter Bunny costume and hid eggs for the children at the hospital. Boy, I've never seen a more dispirited bunch. Just because you're hooked to I.V.'s doesn't mean Christ didn't die for your sins, ya little brats! Show a little Easter spirit! I also made deviled eggs, which, made me uneasy, as I'm not sure if that was sacreligious. I'll pray on it later. Later, I invited some friends over for what has become a new tradition: watching hunky Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ." Yowza! I got plenty of passion for that lethal weapon, Mel! Mix it UP! We had nachos and my special recipe "passion fruit jello salad." Two words: Yum. Me.

May 1, 2006-- May day, the 1st of May. I call it "Ray-day" and it's all about me, girlfriend! I was invited to the Today show and I decided to make one of my favorites, Almond Macaroons. They turned out beautiful, but that bitch Katie Couric ate every last one. Well, I silently forgave her because she's had to deal with so much, like being older than me and not as pretty. Plus she has no hair. It's a wig. Not many people know that. Not that I'm judging. I'm not a judger of people. I just think it's incredibly dishonest for a newscaster to lie to the entire g-damn world like that. Sigh. Ya can't win 'em all. Al Roker stared at my chest the whole time. He is creepy and doesn't use his nose for breathing. Wake up, America! (How's that for a catch-phrase?) ;) :) :)

May 13th, 2006-- Hallelujah! I think I've hit on a catch-phrase! A really, really good one! I was eating some scrambled eggs with Tabasco with my good friend Oprah and I took a really hot bite. My eyes started to water and I flapped my hands. Oprah asked me if it was hot and I screamed (somewhat angrily, I admit): "Darn tootin'!" New Year's Resolution: Must say Darn tootin' as much as possible. I smell ancillary revenue from catch-phrase merchandise! Also, today I bought the new Tom Jones greatest hits cd, which put a big grin on my face for the rest of the day. Is Tom Jones one sexy mammajamma? Darn tootin'!

May 27th, 2006--Stocked up on supplies. I love shopping! I bought boxes of plasticware, well, knives and sporks, to be specific. The check-out lady tried to sell me spoons AND forks and I thought, no way, uh-uh, you buy sporks and it's like having a spoon and a fork in one utensil. You save money, you save time, and they're just darn cool. Who doesn't like sporks? They're funny and we can use a little levity in this mixed-up world. Am I right? Okay, maybe you don't like them, Dr. "I'm so important" Phil. But don't rain on my parade. I also bought generic cans of tuna, because, really, you *can't* tell the difference if you use enough cheese in the tuna noodle casserole. Hel-LO! Cooking rules 101! Sheesh, I'm glad I'm me and not Katie Couric. Darn tootin'. (Note: What if they made a spork where the handle was also a knife? They could call it a "sporife." Hmmmm, let's put that in Rachel's "What if" file.)

June 14th--Hooray! The first day of summer is here and I am ready with my tankini, my spf 45 and a six pack of Tab! Look out, tanning booth! I'm ready for my close-up, Cosmo magazine! I was thinking of ways to make my show more relevant and socially conscious and I thought about doing something to feed the homeless. Than I thought: nahhh, there's people who do that already. Bor-ing! So I thought, what about people who are stuck in traffic and are hungry? Who feeds them? Light bulb above my head time! Me, that's who feeds them! I'm going to have a whole segment of my show called: Get out of my oven and into your car! You know, like that Billy Ocean song. Hey, we could even have a segment with Billy Ocean. Like, whatever happened to that Billy Ocean guy? Is he homeless or what? Maybe we could feed him. Light bulb! New segment called Feed Billy Ocean! Note to self: You are a genius!