Guilty Pleasure Songs

For the last few months I've been in the process of transfering my cds over to mp3s. This is fun, and sometimes, an emasculating process as I confront some of the stranger songs in my collection. And I'm not talking about weird but cool cover songs by ska band Reel Big Fish. I'm talking about the creepy stuff. The embarrasing stuff. The stuff that would be humiliating to admit to in a case with the RIAA. "Yes, it appears on June 14th, 1999, you illegally downloaded the entire Britney Spears album 'Oops, I did it Again.' Is this true, Mr. Scott?" Me: "Yes, but I didn't enjoy it!" With that in mind, I'd like to present my top ten favorite guilty pleasure songs. The songs I secretly, and now publicly love. I won't hide in shame any longer. I'M HERE! I LIKE SPEARS! GET USED TO IT!

10.)"Blue (Da Ba De)" by Eiffel 65. Imagine a techno song with lyrics so singularly devoted to one color as to be perfectly suited for the talents of say, either Grover or Cookie Monster. (The song really works if you picture Cookie Monster.) But no, it's a group known as Eiffel 65 and the lead singer actually sounds eerily like...Adam Sandler? Listen to it if you got it and tell me I'm not wrong. The lyrics are absurd to the point where Beck would be envious, but with a singular focus to let you know that it's not just random non-sequitors. Adam, er whoever it is, starts the song with :"Yo listen up here's a story--About a little guy--That lives in a blue world..." and sure enough, that's what you get. And let's face it, when all is said and done, it makes more sense than "Hollaback Girl."

9.)"Mr. Roboto" by Styx. Oh sure, today such bands as Radiohead win all sorts of snotty awards with their concept albums about technology and alienation (OK Computer.) What many people so convienently forget is that Styx was alerting us all to the dangers of, um, robots, specifically one named Mr. Roboto. Dennis DeYoung sings: "The problem's plain to see: too much technology. Machines to save our lives. Machines dehumanize." Take that, Radiohead!

8.)"The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers. When I think of Kenny Rogers, I think of the now defunct Kenny Rogers Roasters, where they had delicious bar-b-q chicken and artery-clogging mac-n-cheese. Alas, Roasters went out of business, but we still have Kenny Rogers' cheesy music. And it doesn't get anymore cheesier than Kenny's "The Gambler," a song that has certainly convinced way too many amateur poker players that they did indeed, know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em. Which brings up the fundamental flaw of the song. HE DOESN'T ACTUALLY TELL YOU WHEN TO HOLD 'EM OR WHEN TO FOLD 'EM. He just says you need to "know when to walk away and know when to run." When is that, Kenny? WHEN?? He does tell us that "the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep." Well, that's helpful. Personally, I'd rather die of a heart attack after finishing off a delicious plate of Kenny Rogers' mac-n-cheese. Maybe there should be a song about that.

7.)"The Reflex" by Duran Duran. Duran Duran's lyrics have never made much sense. But no one has ever made such little sense with so much style and energy. When Simon LeBon belts out : "The reflex is an only child he's waiting in the park--
The reflex is in charge of finding treasure in the dark--And watching over lucky clover isn't that bizarre..." you can't help but thing that Simon has been drinking while reading Dylan Thomas and listening to Culture Club. No matter. He sings it as if he is imparting the greatest of truths, which somehow makes me scrutinize the lyrics even further, certain that once I get it, my third eye will open.

6.)"Convoy" by C.W. McCall. Back in the 70's people in the South lived for smuggling moonshine in semis across state lines. Pre-cell-phones, they would communicate to each other using CB radios. Again, it was the 70's. Everybody was stoned out of their minds. They would talk in codes and take on CB "handles" like "Pigpen" and "Rubber Duck." (See: Smokey and the Bandit.) Sometimes this required the assistance of monkeys. (See: B.J. and the Bear.) Sometimes, you'd have to write a country song about it. That's where C.W. McCall stepped in. A true visionary, McCall sang about "huntin' bear" way before N.W.A. rapped "Fuck tha' Police." The song is catchy, weird, and the chorus sounds like it's being sung by Muppets. Holy crap. I've just got an idea for the next Muppet movie. "The Great Muppet Convoy." The chorus goes: "We've got a great big convoy, rockin' through the night! We've got a great big convoy...ain't she a beautiful sight?" Yes, yes she is.

5.)"I've Never Been to Me" by Charlene. I think I'm the only one who remembers and loves this song to death. This is the song that Jim Steinman WISHES he could write. Charlene sings this soap operatic tale that puts Dallas, Dynasty, and The Thorn Birds to shame. What's more, she sounds like Barbara Mandrell while doing it. Sample lyrics that I feel compelled to shout out in the shower: "Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run...I took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun..." Charlene gets major Guilty Pleasure points for #1, not having a last name, and #2, when she gets to the penultimate section of the song, she doesn't sing it, she opts for speaking plaintively over the music: "Hey, you know what paradise is? It's a lie, a fantasy we create about people and places as we'd like them to be-- But you know what truth is? It's that little baby you're holding, it's that man you fought with this morning-- The same one you're going to make love with tonight--That's truth, that's love..." Thanks for clearing that up, Charlene.

4.)"Jessie" by Joshua Kadison. Ah, the early 90's. A time of musical upheaval. Nirvana. Nine Inch Nails. Joshua Kadison?? For those who don't remember or for those who just don't want to remember, Joshua Kadison was a one-hit wonder who favored melodic piano-based love songs. In other words, he was for people who thought Michael Bolton was too edgy. With "Jessie," Joshua pines over an ex-lover he just can't quite get over. He sits around, takes care of her cat and waits for her calls. Clearly a man with boundary issues, Joshua keeps on letting Jessie back into his life as she convinces him to "drink tequila and look for sea shells." Still, it's a wonderful fantasy that tells us that we can find love if we enable someone, and by the end of the song, I too, have fallen for Jessie.

3.)"Bad Day" by Daniel Powter. Currently on the C.I.A.'s torture playlist at Gitmo, "Bad Day" has that certain insidiously catchy quality that insures that if you hear it once, it becomes next to impossible to get it out of your system. It's the musical equivalent of a parasitic tapeworm. Ironically, I believe the song is supposed to be a source of comfort...an understanding nod of sympathy from one who cares. IMO, however, it comes off like a dismissive husband who was watching the game and was only pretending to listen to your problems. When taken ironically, the song becomes quite hilarious.

2.)"Two Become One" by Spice Girls. Yes, just when you thought I couldn't sink any lower. I publicly admit to having a Spice Girls song on my iPod. And it's not even "Wannabe," which is truly grating. No, it's a love song, and what's more, it's a love song for gettin' it on. You know what I'm talkin' about. The kind of romantic crooning reserved for the likes of Barry White. The type that is supposed to inspire erotic gymnastics. Well, nothing says romantic gymnastics like the Spice Girls. Over the course of the song these five British hotties seemingly challenge each other to see who can provide the dumbest verse. Winner: Posh Spice: "Any deal that we endeavor--boys and girls feel good together--Take it or leave it, take it or leave it..." I hope that's not the line she uses with David Beckham. The highlight of the song has to be towards the end though, as the Girls embrace social responsibility and turn it into an ode for safe sex. "Be a little bit wiser, baby, put it on, put it on--Cause tonight is the night when two become one.." Such is the incendiary lust-generating power of their music, it definitely needs a disclaimer such as this one.

1.)"Muskrat Love" by The Captain and Tennille. In the 70's, the Captain and Tennille were a popular musical duo that has yet to be replicated in terms of charisma, musical talent, and keen fashion sense. For that, we must be thankful. "Muskrat Love" is one of those songs that few musical groups would touch. For one thing, it's about muskrat love. This isn't a metaphor for something... Tennille is actually singing about two muskrats getting it on. What's more, it's a slow gentle love song sung with no hint of irony. Sample lyrics: "Now he's tickling her fancy, rubbing her toes...Muzzle to muzzle, now, anything goes as they wriggle..." This is probably a good time to point out again that it was the 70's and everybody was stoned out of their minds. They made pets out of rocks, fer cryin' out loud. It should be noted that the Captain and Tennille sequel, "Badger Fucking," did not enjoy the same success, despite being covered by Sinatra.