How Well Do You Know Jesus?
Here is a quiz. How well do you know the words of Jesus? On Judgement Day, you might just get a quiz like this, so if I were you, I'd start studying, sinner. I've grouped 4 quotes in clusters. In each group, 3 of the 4 quotes are MADE UP. Only ONE quote in each group has come from Jesus. Do you know which one? Think carefully, foolish one.
1.
a. "Get behind me, Satan."
b. "Suffer the little children in Hell."
c. "Who wants fish?"
d. "Thou oils truly are refreshing on my feet."
2.
a. "Ye shall know the Pharisees by the length of their beards..."
b. "Take heed and beware of the leaven of the Pharisees..."
c. "The sins of whores interest me..."
d. "Lo, I am Jesus and I am here to rockest thou."
3.
a. "The wrath of the hungry bear shall be loosed upon the Israelites..."
b. "A drunken man has a better chance of entering Heaven than a sober man..."
c. "Hell is for children."
d. "And he shall rule them with a rod of iron..."
4.
a. "As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten..."
b. "Thou art so vain, thou probably thinkest this song is about thee..."
c. "Hold thy tongues in the presence of the Lord."
d. "He who is without arms, cast the first stone."
5.
a. "When I look upon thee, I am filled with a great loathing."
b. "The baptism of John, was it from heaven, or of men?"
c. "Spare the cross and spoil the children."
d. "Whosoever looks upon another with lust in his eye, looketh upon me."
6.
a. "I am a rock. I am an island."
b. "Verily, I crave gelato."
c. "I have meat to eat that ye know not of."
d. "The Rabbi that weareth many robes hideth many chest hairs."
7.
a. "Why do ye not understand my speech?"
b. "Imagine there is no heaven; it's easy if you try."
c. "Bring me thy whores; they shall comfort me."
d. "Peter, go forth and batheth. Thou art offensive to thine Lord."
8.
a. "Do you know what that's worth? Heaven is a place on earth."
b. "Woe unto thee, Chorazin!"
c. "The prayer of many is wearisome to God."
d. "Beware the flaming sword of Jehovah!"
9.
a. "God dislikes the unclean."
b. "Shew me the tribute money."
c. "Tough crowd."
d. "The keys to the kingdom of Heaven are hidden somewhere in my robe."
10.
a. "Thy nipples are hard with righteousness, oh saucy one."
b. "And I will kill her children with death...”
c. "How many roads must a man walk down, before you call him a man?"
d. "I have prepared a feast for thee. I hope thou likest Frito Casserole."
posted by David @ 3:11 PM
8 Comments:
David: I don't know where to begin. Maybe it's my intimate knowledge of Scripture, or maybe it's my intimate knowledge of lyrics, or maybe it's the fact that I'm high right now, but that was H-I-larious. Thanks for the laugh, pal.
You want the answers? Cause you know I love quizzes and can give them. Watch me miss them all.
1)a
2)b
3)d
4)a
5)b
6)c
7)a
8)d
9)a
10)b
Frito Casserole. You never cease to amaze me. :)
Hahaha, kick ass quiz! I'm not revising, I'm looking forward to going to hell, I'ma be partying with Kurt Cobain and Martha Stewart! Woohoo!
Hey guys! Thanks for taking the biblical challenge. You're all going to hell. LOL Well, Marty got 8 out of 10, which, I guess qualifies you for purgatory.
Some of the best Jesus lines I took from the Book of Revelations, which most Christians do take as the word of Christ. (Even though it's a dream?) So that accounts for some of the violent quotes cause Revelations is quite violent. (Well, it is the apocolaypse.)
Here are the answers:
1. A
2. B
3. D (Although I prefer the drunken man answer, Shan.);)
4. A (This one is from Revelations. Fanatics love this one because it reinforces "tough-guy" Jesus.
5. B
6. C
7. A
8. B I have no idea why he's wishing Woe unto Chorazin, but he is. It's in the gospel. I like that the flaming sword of Jehovah sounds believable. I'm reading Genesis and God puts a flaming sword in front of Eden to keep humans out, so it seems to work.
9. B It really is "Shew me the tribute money." LOL I've taken it out of context though... this is where he talks about rendering unto Caesar what is Caesar's.
10. B A bloody quote... I think he's talking about Jezebel in Revelations. Doesn't seem like a Jesus thing to say.
Thanks guys! I'm glad you had fun!
Are Fritos kosher? ;)
(Glad to be home reading your blog, David!)
Amy: I'm not even sure what Fritos *are*. But if they come from the Lord, I'm not going to question it. ;)
The internet was still here while you were gone, but it was just going through the motions. Good to have ya back, Amy. :)
OMG this was hysterical!
I hold a degree in Ministry (yes, a little known fact about Steph) and sadly, I only knew a few.
But of this I'm certain...whether or not Jesus actually ever said 9c, you know on that last day he was thinkin' it! ;)
You are a twisted lil' bugger but it is funny.
Steph: Wow, I stumped someone with a degree in Minstery. To be fair, it's reallllllllly hard to spot them out of context. And yeah, I totally agree with ya on 9. C. ;)
Mike! Compadre! Thanks for stoping by! My mind is twisted. It's a bit diseased. But I think God has a sense of humor. Just look at the book of Job.
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