Little is Known About Sierra Leone

Look in your "bulk" mail box. Is it full of those scam artist letters where some dude in Nigeria wants to give you meeeelllions of dollars, if only you e-mail all of your personal information, bank routing numbers, etc.? Yeah, mine too. I've always received lots of those. But I love getting e-mail so I write 'em back! It's a great way to make "friends." Usually, they scare off pretty easy. (You'll understand when you see the kinds of letters that I write.) But about three years ago, I had a great, classic exchange where one determined, plucky scammer kept on coming back, despite my bizzaro replies. This is that exchange. (Note: the actual scam letters are real letters, not made up by me. My replies, though, are totally from my warped mind.)

FROM :PETER WILLIAMS
ABIDJAN, COTE D'IVOIRE.
WEST AFRICA.
BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

DEAR,

MY NAME IS PETER WILLIAMS . NATIONALITY SIERRA LEONE.
I AM 25 YEARS OLD, STUDIED MARKETING IN BUSINESS
ADMINISTRATION IN THE UNIVERSITY. I LOST MY FATHER
YEARS BACK. HE DIED DRURING THE POLITICAL CRISIS IN
MY COUNTRY. MY LATE FATHER WAS ONE OF THE DIRECTORS
UNDER TIJAN KABBAH GOVERNMENT. MY MOTHER IS AGED SHE IS 62
YEARS NOW AN OLD WOMAN. I HAVE TWO YOUNGER ONES WE
ARE ALL LEAVING IN COTE D'IVOIRE SINCE PAST SIX
MONTH.

IT IS MY DESIRE TO WRITE FROM MY HEART HOPING THAT
YOU WILL NOT BETRAY US. MY FATHER DIVERTED SOME HUGE
SOME OF MONEY WHICH HE DEPOSITED WITH ONE GOOD BANK
WHEN HE WAS ALIVE HERE IN ABIDJAN. IN FACT IN A
BRIFE I INTRODUTION. ALL THE INFORMATION WILL BE GIVEN TO
YOU WHEN I HEAR FROM YOU. THIS MONEY TOTALING US$
12,000,000.00 ( TWELVE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLAR)
NOW WE ARE SEEKING FOR A TRUSTED PERSON WHO WILL
RECEIVE THIS MONEY INTO HIS/HER ACCOUNT FOR ONWARD
INVESTMENT.

HOWEVER, WHAT WE NEEDED FROM YOU IS YOUR GOOD
ASSISTANCE IN HELPING US TRANSFERRING THE SAID SUM
TO YOUR ACCOUNT SINCE WE ARE INEXPERENCED IN THE WORLD
OF BUSINESS, THAT'S THE REASON WHY WE ARE ASKING FOR
YOUR SUPPORT. ALL DOCUMENTS CONCERNING THE DEPOSIT MAY BE
GIVEN TO YOU FOR YOUR VERIFICATION. WE REALLY NEED
TO MOVE THE FUND OUT OF AFRICA TO ABROAD.

I AND THE REST OF MY FAMILY HAVE DECIEDED TO GIVE
YOU 10% OF THE TOTAL SUM FOR YOUR KIND ASSISTANCE. THE
WORLD IS FULL OF BAD PEOPLE PLEASE CAN YOU PROVE
YOUR GUNUITY TO US FOR US TO HAVE YOU AS A PARTNER. SORRY
I AM NOT SAYING YOU ARE BAD PERSON BUT CONSIDER THAT
THIS IS MONEY AND HOW THE MONEY WAS GOTTEN. IT IS
INHERITACE AND LAST HOPE.

SHOW YOUR INTEREST AND WE PROCEED ON THE NEXT STEP
OF ACTION. AFRICA IS NO LONGER CONDUSIVE FOR US TO
STAY. YOU CAN CALL US ON TEL NUMBER ABOVE.

OUR BEST REGARDS.

PETER WILLIAMS ON BEHALF OF THE FAMILY.


Dear Mr. Williams,

First, I must ask you: How did you get my email
address? I have many connections and only a select
few of my inner circle know it. If there is a
security leak, I must discover it at once and stop
this dangerous flow of information. I work in highly
sensitive areas and cannot allow any such compromises.
Please, I must demand that you name the unscrupulous
individual who gave you this email address. The
security of several corporations depend upon it.

Now, hopefully, if you cooperate, you'll discover that
I am not unsympathetic to your plight. I realize that
Africa is unstable at the moment... Many Americans are
sensitive to that, including our pop stars, such as
Michael Jackson, who once did a song about Africa and
it's starving children. I get tears just thinking
about it now.

It sounds like you have a wonderful family. What are
the names and ages of your children? Do you perhaps
have a daughter? I do not want to suggest anything
improper, but I am looking for a bride and if she is
of age, and shares the same interests, such as race
car driving and eating nachos, I would definitely like
to see some photos.

What is the weather like in Sierra Leone? And where
is Sierra Leone? Do they have Starbucks? I'm sorry if
these questions are direct, but we are currently at
war with Iraq and if your country is anywhere near
Iraq, I could be thrown into a gulag by my government
just for sending you this email. If you know where
Saddam Hussein is, please contact our State
Department, as our authorities have a few questions
for him.

I must go now as today is Thursday and they are
showing "super-size" editions of Friends and Will and
Grace. But please let me know who your informant is
and I will consider helping you. I cannot do anything
until my files and accounts are secure once more.

Sincerely,

Yossarian Skinner

p.s. Good luck at your university! Which one is it?
And do they have a football team?

Dear Yossarian Skinner,
Thanks for your response indicating your willingness to assist me this
important and most valued transaction that is going to be to the mutual
benefit of our both families.
I got your contact in my desperate search for a responsible and very
trustworthy person to be my partner and asSist me in investing my money
for me while I continue my education which I stopped as a result of the
untimely death of my beloved father(may his beloved and gentle soul
rest in the bosom of the Lord).I didn't end up that way,I took your name
to my Pastor and after praying,he concluded that you are a sincere man
who will not betray me or disappoint me.He went as far as telling me
that you will reply me positively and our Pastor is a well known Man of
God here in Ivory Coast and anything he prophesizes comes to fulfillment.
I am 25 years old,single with no child.I come from Sierra-Leone in West
Africa but after the death of my father, I relocated to our
neighbouring country here called Abidjan Cote d'Ivoire West Africa with my entire
family(my old mother-62 and 2 younger sisters:Mary-23 years and
Vivian-20 years.The weather here in West Africa is very friendly:not too much
rain and not too much sun.We are Christians and don't have any business
with Iraqians.Mary's photo and mine will be sent to you when you reply
this mail.BE REST ASSURED THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS 100% GENUINE AND
RISK-FREE AND YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR.
Kindly please promise me that on our arrival there in your country,you
will assist me invest this money wisely.Promise to keep this
transaction
very confidential and not to tell anybody about it for our security
here and the safety transfer of this money into your account.
Then send me your photograph,id card ,private telephone/fax
numbers,residential address and any other information that you
think necessary for the smooth transfer of this money into your
account.
As soon as I get these information,I will submit it to the bank and
give you the contacts of the bank director incharge of the transfer of
the
money into your account for you to contact him and instruct him to
transfer the money into your account so that you can withdraw some money
and send to me for us to pay our hotel bills and prapare our travel
documents to come over there to live and you assist us in investing the
money wisely.
I am sorry to respond lately because I have tried several times to have
access to this libero box without success,henceforth,continue to
communicate with me through my just created YAHOO
E-ADDRESS(peter_willi22@yahoo.co.uk).Please reply this mail immediately with all
your personal info so that I can submit it to the bank and give you the
contact of the bank for you to contact them for the immediate transfer
of this money into your account so that you can withdraw some money and
send to us to come over to meet you there in your country for me to
continue my university education and you take the responsibility of
investing the money for me and my family.
Expecting your immediate response.
Best regards and God bless.
Peter.


Dearest Peter,

Please excuse my late reply. I would have responded
sooner, but I had a doctor's appointment that I had to
keep. I am on twenty-two different medications for
various ailments, including explosive diarreaha,
flatulence, and dementia, which is just a fancy word
meaning that sometimes I see things that aren't there,
like weaseals, taking a dump on my bed, then rolling
in it. I also am taking a pill to counteract my
addiction to pills. It shames me to admit that, but
you seem like a good-hearted person and I know that
you won't hold my physical weaknesses against me.
Please hold me in your thoughts and pray to the Baby
Jesus for a cure.

While I am heartened that you wrote back, I have to
admit that I am still majorly freaking out about my
security leak. I mean, sure, it's just my e-mail
address. But who knows? Maybe tomorrow this
unscrupulous scoundrel will leak my credit card
information and my Swiss bank account routing numbers!
And whoops! There go my millions! Please tell me his
or her name so I can get ready to discipline them.

I am so, so sorry to hear about the untimely death of
your dad. Man, that sucks. I would drink in his
honor, if my medications didn't warn against it. Aw
screw it! If anyone deserves a toast, it's your
father. I raise my bottle of tequila in his honor. If
I may inquire, did he die in a mysterious tractor
incident? If so, I may have some top-secret
information that you might be interested in.

I am VERY interested in your sisters, Mary and Vivian!
Can I email them directly? Also, could you please
describe their physical attributes as well as likes
and dislikes? I know that I am being forward, but you
must understand it has been many years since I have
had relations with a woman, due to my unfortunate
physical ailments, and I am very eager to "hook up"
with someone who will be understanding of this. I
ain't no picnic to live with, especially when I'm
seeing things, but I have many positive traits. I am
a good cook, I can play the accordian, and I have the
largest collection of Trolls you'll ever see, my
friend. I am very romantic and like to sing. I
remember I used to sing to my first wife (who died in
a mysterious tractor incident)-- I would sing to her:
"You are so beautiful to me." She liked it, except
for the times when she was in the ladies room at the
mall, but you see, I'm just so romantic I can't stop
myself. But now she's with baby Jesus. I also have
lots of t-shirts with funny sayings on them.

I'm glad you are steering clear of Saddam Hussien. I
don't know what it is, but I just don't trust him.
You aren't anywhere near North Korea or France are
you? Because we are at war with them as well and you
must understand that I CANNOT do business with French
sympathizers. They would shoot me in the street.

I plan on being on holiday in Africa in November and
would love to meet up with you and your family.
Perhaps I could even stay with you? I could give you
all the proper documents then and I'd be happy to give
you business advice if you like, but be warned: I have
a hard time balancing my checkbook! :) But I can tell
you this: AOL stock is a good buy right now.

Well, I must leave you to think on this heavy matter.
I can't wait to see you and your sisters. Say hi to
Mary and Vivian for me. (Do they like peanut
brittle?)

May God bless you and keep you warm in His infinte,
graceful bosom and may the Force be with you. Always.

your pal,

Yossarian

Dear Yossarian,

How are you?
You have kept me in the dark for some time now.What is happening,is everything alright with you? May you kindly please write and explain to me your reason for been silent because communication is very important in this transaction.
Looking forward to receiving your immediate response so that we can proceed.
Yours brother,
Peter

Dear Pete,

WELL, I just re-sent my last email as it appears that
you did not get it!! Well, that's Microsoft for ya.
>big sigh<. Anyways, I am still waiting on pictures
of your sisters? >hint hint< ;) :D :D :D

I do have a troubling piece of news to report,
however. Yesterday I recieved an email from a Robbie
Williams in Uganda and he detailed *very similar*
circumstances to what you are going through. He said
that he needed my help and that the lives of his
family and pet yak depended on it. Are you two
related? He was very polite and generous and sent me
pictures of his sister, Candace, who I must admit, is
a real hottie. He is very rich, but because of a
corrupt government he can not access his millions!
Damn those Ugandans! Damn them all to hell! I am
torn between helping him and helping you. Please, if
you have any information on this Robbie Williams, let
me know. I will also pray on this.

Also, I was wondering if you knew any herbal remedies
for dementia. I only ask because the weasels are back
again. And I cannot stand their awful laughter.
Because it's just not right. It's just not right to
be laughing at me when I give them so much.

peace out, dawg,

Yossarian

p.s. You can call me Yo Yo, if you like. All my
friends do.

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(Note: I never heard from Peter Williams again.)