Damn you, ESPN2. Damn you all to hell.

I am not a sports guy. I admit it. I am an English major, which does not win me many manliness points. I can tell you the psuedonyms of all three Bronte sisters, but I'm not quite sure what the point of football is. (Evidentally, it's to try and play thirty minutes of the game in a 2 hour time frame.) I've tried to get into sports. But for me the highlight of the Super Bowl was the nachos. Now, during last year's summer Olympics, I did get sucked in to women's volleyball. Damn. Now there's a sport that's endlessly rewarding. But beyond that--beyond finding a sport to get into that did not involve well-toned women in revealing outfits slapping each other on the ass after scoring a crucial point--I got nothin'. Until now.

In short: World Cup. I got sucked in. And I really don't know how it happened. Let's retrace the steps of my demise, shall we? I played soccer in 5th grade. Well, I wasn't all that great. Our entire team pretty much stank up the place. I did have a specialty-- I could kick the ball the farthest. I mean, I hit it and that ball would sail away. I even earned the nickname Leadfoot, which was an endearment...half the time, except when it was shouted derisively. You see, there was a problem. I had no sense of aim. I couldn't direct the ball... it would just fly across the park and into a phalanx of ducking, cussing, parents. But what a kick! I don't know what happened. I never played next year. I guess I found books more interesting. I don't think I even really understood the game beyond: "get ball in net." Certainly strategy and teamwork were ideas I didn't quite have down. Not to mention any sense of depth perception.

Now the other day I was watching the nightly news and Brian Williams was delivering a story on the World Cup, only the emphasis wasn't on specific scores or statistics, but instead they focused on how soccer was a world-wide phenomenon, with the exception of the U.S. It was odd when confronted with the millions of fans in other countries giving their soccer athletes the same royal treatment that we have reserved for Shaq and well, that's how bad my knowledge of sports guys is... I can only name one... Shaq. Dear lordy. So I was right away interested in this sport that seemed to capture the imagination and devotion of the entire world except us. Was there some weird isolationist subtext to all of this? Was soccer just another symbol of how we were out of sync with the rest of the world? Well, shit, I don't know, but I had managed to get myself interested in a sport by overthinking it to death! Now, we're talking! This is something I can relate to! :)

So, I checked out the various ESPN channels to see what I could make of it. They seemingly have like 548 different ESPN channels. ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN Classic, ESPN:Boggle. You get the idea. So it was really easy to find a game. I caught the Spain/Ukraine match-up. For about 30 minutes I tried to figure it out. Okay, what's the appeal. I kind of felt like a cat watching a toy on a string... there goes the ball...and there goes the ball...and look, there it goes over there! It was oddly relaxing. Come to think of it, it may have been some sort of mass-hypnosis experiment. I don't know if that's true, but I just ordered $500 of official World Cup merchandise.

Now if you look at average soccer scores it's usually something like 0-0. A really exciting game is 1-0. If you have two really good teams, it's hard to score. They will keep you from that net. In that way, it's a very existential sport. Ah, but as I was watching the game, Spain made a goal and I was immediately jerked awake. My pulse quickened. *SOMETHING HAD HAPPENED.* Someone had got through. It almost seemed like a miracle. Someone played a soccer game and MADE A GOAL. I felt adrenalized, giddy. I was suddenly glued to the screen. Half the time I watched their feet, other times I watched how the other players would converge on another who didn't see them coming. That's the beauty of watching a game... you can sometimes see what's going to happen to the players before they know it.

I began to appreciate the difficulty of the game... It requires strength, endurance, skill, and the geometrical precision of a pool player. You have to be able to visualize where you need that ball to go... and you need to be able to revise that visualization in a second as the configuration of players on the field is constantly in flux. Even more important than that, it requires luck--some have it naturally, to others it's a form of practiced instinct...and even more than that, spiritually, it becomes something that is beyond the game... Providence. Things happen, the planets align, shots open up, and they are given to you. And nothing you do can make those moments happen. You can only hope you are up to the challenge when they do.

I watched the rest of the game ecstatically drawn in, captivated by the inherent drama of *not knowing*. Of experiencing something that is unfolding. In the end Spain scored 4 points, gluttonous by soccer standards, and made the Ukraine team feel quite helpless, I'm sure. (They scored nothing, or as I heard the cheeky commentators tell it: "4-nil." You gotta love a sport that uses the word "nil.") I've already picked out a few of the more outstanding players... There's Fernando Torres who, I believe scored two of the goals. I noticed him because he's unafraid to go out there with a really bad hairstyle. It kinda looks like a mohawk, but the rest of his head isn't shaved. Or it looks like he fell asleep with his head between two couch cushions and didn't bother to fix it when he got up. Regardless, he's an incredible player.

There are also different cultural bonuses that make the World Cup a lot of fun. The commentators, for example, are British and Irish (well, the ones for this particualar match-up). It's always more interesting to hear commentary in an Irish brogue. Even if I can't understand it. It just sounds cool. And the fans themselves cheer and chant and sing in their native tongues and it just is a nice reminder that it is a great big world out there with diverse peoples and cultures who can come together to kick a ball around. There's a beautiful unification at work in this, I think.

And what of the U.S. team? Well, we lost our first match to the Czech Republic, 3-nil. Ouch. But it had to be gratifying to the Czechs. Our last chance is against Italy on Saturday. Prognosticators are not being kind to the U.S. on this match-up, but I can't wait. Cause you just don't know!

Well, back to ESPN. Four words I thought I never would say.