How to Write and Be Funny (without changing a thing) PLUS Bonus Dating Tips!

Many of my friends, and yes, I do have them; often say to me, “Hey Dave! I loved that thing you wrote! That was really funny!” To which I respond, “It wasn’t supposed to be funny.” And then they say, “Oh yeah, that bit where you’re totally humiliated, and then with the tub of Crisco—” To which I respond, “That’s…my…LIFE…you bastards!” And then, of course, they laugh some more, going, “Ha, ha, that’s great when you use your William Shatner voice!” “IT…IS…NOT…MIS-TER!”

There’s an important point to that little story concerning the nature of humor. Unfortunately, I have NO idea what it is. In fact, I’m getting a little nervous here. You’re reading this expecting some sort of guidance when it comes to writing humor and here I am stalling. Well, no more stalling. Here I’m going to tell you how to make your writing funny. I mean it. Right now. Here we go. OH MY GOD! There’s a mongoose behind you!!! Our only chance is to run! Run!!!

You’re still here. You’ve seen through my little ruse. At last. A worthy opponent. Very well. Why do people laugh? Why do we find certain things funny? Where do babies come from? I wish I knew. I swear to God I wish I knew.

Sigmund Freud wondered too. In his book, The Joke and Its Relation to the Unconcious, Freud asserts that the things we laugh at are signals that reveal unconscious feelings and desires. Ha! Ha! That’s hilarious, Sigmund Freud! It might explain my unholy love of Whoopi Goldberg movies, though. I wholeheartedly recommend this book if you like laughter. Sample excerpt: “Two Jews meet in the neighborhood of the bath-house. “So have you taken a bath already? asks the one. ‘How come?’ asks the other in reply. ‘Is there one missing?’ Ba-dum-bump-CHING! Clearly, Freud had the unconscious desire to write for NBC sitcoms.
Some tips on writing funnier:

• Wear a funny hat while you write. (Hemingway did this while writing The Old Man and the Sea.)
• Have a shot of tequila every time you use an adjective
• Don’t wear pants (this only works if you writing at Starbucks)
• Read aloud what you’ve written in a “funny” Marlon Brando voice (this will come more naturally after a few shots of tequila.)
• After you’ve written something funny, write Ba-dum-bump-CHING!

But what do I write about? What is a funny subject? Well, according to Mark Twain: “Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”

So I usually pick a subject that is inherently pathetic, such as my sex life. If your sex life is fabulous and you can’t find anything to laugh about, you need to rethink the way you’re having sex. Find ways to make it funnier, like during a climax, shout out a celebrity’s name, such as “Bill O’Reilly!” This has worked for me on more than one occasion. Or you could have sex in a “funny” location, like Sizzler or the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. But there are many, many ways to find the humiliation, and thus, the humor, in your life.

“The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.” --Woody Allen

“At my age, ‘getting lucky’ means finding a good parking space.” –Garrison Keillor

Notice, neither one of those quotes is by Johnny Depp. Still, come on, sex can be pathetically funny even if you are not a schlub like me. I mean, the whole thing is a bit ridiculous. Think about the process. You basically stick Tab A into Slot B. Or if you’re feeling bold, Slot C. You might be curious about sticking Tab A into Slot D. That would be a mistake. (Slot D being your ear canal, you sicko.) I see nothing wrong with Slot B engaging Slot D, however, given the proper context of a secure and loving relationship. I mean, it’s not my scene or anything, but feel free, go ahead. But please check your individual state and county laws before proceeding. It may be something you can only do in Massachusets.

And, for a moment, consider all the crazy, weird mammalian sounds you make while enjoying a bout of conjugal rutting with your loved one. If you think I’m wrong, make an audio tape of your rutting noises. Play it back and if caribou don’t show up in your backyard, well, perhaps it’s the wrong season. Think about it, isn’t it pretty ridiculous the sounds we make? You know, all the “Whoop! Whoop!” sounds? Okay, I might be the only one who does that. Let’s move on. I’m feeling strangely vulnerable right now.

Another way to making your writing more funny is to emphasize unexpected connections between two objects or ideas. The key word is unexpected. Often humor will result from a surprise that the audience didn’t see coming. Look! A mongoose! For the love of God, it’s a baby-eating mongoose! Didn’t see that one coming, did you?

People like recognizable references. I advise throwing in lots of pop culture references that everybody will know. For example, let’s say you want to describe how your mom is crazy. Instead of just saying that, say she’s “Zelda Fitzgerald-crazy!” Hoo boy, you’ll be the toast of the cocktail party for sure! Because nothing is funnier than a well-placed Zelda Fitzgerald reference. Except maybe for a Gary Coleman reference. That dude who created “Family Guy” is a millionaire based solely on this comedy principle.

So, let’s recap. Use “funny” pop culture references, even if it’s totally inappropriate, say, during intercourse. Humor comes from pain. If you’re unexpectedly honest and share hurtful things, people will laugh with you, and by laugh with you, I mean laugh at you. Cause, hey, who doesn’t like to laugh, right? You can also use exaggeration as a means of making something funny. Like when I said I made “Whoop! Whoop!” sounds during sex, I was CLEARLY exaggerating. Ha! Ha! I would never do that. It’s more of a “Woo! Woo!” sound. And that’s not funny. See how that works? It’s like magic!! Exaggeration!

There are many more tips on making your writing funnier. But you’re just not ready. Instead, here are some tips on dating.

Tips on Dating
A great opening line is crucial to beginning a discussion with that comely veterinarian or priest. (Note: these lines work equally well whether you are gay or straight, single or married. Caution! They may be inappropriate for job interviews. Please excuse any gender bias and/or horrible stereotyping. Also, the racial epithets. I don’t know what I was thinking there! Plus, the whole bit where I compare your mama to the Predator. Totally taken out of context. Also, I may have made some rather unkind and blatantly untrue comments towards marsupials. I retract absolutely everything that I’ve written and will ever write in the future.)

Lines for Men

“Would you like to get together and exchange bodily fluids?” This type of approach is bold, shows you are take-charge, and will quite often result with a woman “giving it” to you. And by “giving it” to you I mean, she’s probably going to “give” you some pepper spray to the face.

But what if she doesn't? Something to think about, isn’t it?

“My bowels are burning with passion for you.” Women like men who are passionate about their feelings, and by extension, their bowels. She’ll be impressed by your readiness to talk about something most people are ashamed of.

“I have something tasty for you inside my pants.” Then pull a butter croissant out of your pocket and offer it to her. Women like carbs, according to Redbook magazine.

Lines for Women

“I’m into crystals. Are you into crystals?” Then waggle your eyebrows seductively. (Note: this really only works if your name is Crystal. And the priest is really drunk.)

“Would you like to go to a really wild party? A really wild scrapbooking party?” He will admire your sense of fun and will appreciate that you are not a slut. (Bonus: your name doesn’t have to be Crystal!)

For Men Only!

Do:

Lie! Women want excitement. You’re boring. Make up something extra to give your life some zing, like, say you had a leg blown off in the Vietnam War. Remember to call it ‘Nam. If she questions you on where your Purple Heart is, run away, and yell “Incoming!” Then start to cry. Women like it when men cry.

Don’t:

Date the boss’ daughter. She’s 14, you sick son of a bitch.

Have fun! That's all I got.