Woody Allen's Star Wars

(Note: it helps to read this picturing Woody Allen as Luke and Diane Keaton as Leia)

Scene 1: Tatooine

Luke Skywalker, a short young man in glasses, is sitting around a dinner table with his Aunt and Uncle.

Luke: It’s just—It’s just—I’m sorry, I’m not cut out to be a farmer, you know. For one thing, and this is really important I think, there’s two suns. One sun is hot enough. Two is just ridiculous. I’m out in the desert… I'm thirsty all the time. Now I know how my ancestors felt, wandering around all those years. It's no picnic let me tell you…And look, look here. (he holds his hand in front of Uncle Owen’s face) Is that a spot? It looks like a spot. I’m thinking all that sun is giving me skin cancer. I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised.

Uncle Owen: Luke, I can’t believe you! Again with the two suns! I’ve told you time and time again, you don’t have cancer! Listen, it’s just one more year…

Luke (flabbergasted): One more year! One more year! I’m out there five minutes and my palms get all sweaty. It’s repulsive, my robes start to smell. I’m getting lesions… Here, look at this. It’s rather unattractive. Not that there’s anything resembling female companionship out here. I’m thinking of joining the Sand People. They may be uncultured, but at least they get laid once in awhile.

Uncle Owen: Oy, it’s not that bad! You give me a headache with this meshuga talk!

Luke: Oh sure, right, easy for you to say. You’ve got (he points to Aunt Beru) a loving and devoted wife. I’ve got my right hand and a copy of “Prurient Jawa Monthly.”

Aunt Beru: We know you want to leave this planet and join the rebellion. To be a pilot like your father, the poor schlemazel.

Luke: Actually, y’know I’m not so sure about that. It sounds very dangerous. I mean, obviously it was hazardous to his health. I hear rumors you know, I hear they’re building a Death Star, which doesn’t sound very promising. Very negative sounding. I just want to find a planet with one sun. And thousands of horny French underwear models.


Scene 15:

Luke and Leia converse in the Millennium Falcon.

Luke: Hey, we were pretty great back there, weren’t we? You fired at the stormtroopers with your blaster and I distracted them with my debonair wit and my huge lightsaber. We were like William Powell and Myrna Loy. I was William Powell, by the way.

Leia: You distracted them all right. And don’t you think that lightsaber is compensating for something? I mean you couldn’t stop swinging it around. It was embarrassing. I thought maybe I should leave you two alone for a minute.

Luke: Oh! Oh! Listen to you…you wield sarcasm like it was the Force. I did what I could, but that Darth Vader, with the cape and the mask, it was intimidating you know, it reminded me of when I lost my virginity. Y’know, your hair looks really sexy like that, in buns… It’s very Swedish, just like you stepped out of a Bergman film. I don’t know whether to make love to you or just muse over the existential pointlessness of it all.

Leia: I think it’s the second one. The one with the musing. We could muse.

Luke: We could do both! Musing and making love. It doesn't even have to be in that order! We could do it simultanously. I’m totally—I mean I’m totally flexible here. So, are you seeing anyone? We could get something to eat… My uncle has this deli in Brooklyn—out of this world knish.

Leia: Listen, Luke… You’re cute…

Luke: I’m cute? Really? You think I’m cute? Well, I was hoping for sexually irresistible, but I’ll take cute. Cute is nice.

Leia: But there’s something about you I can’t quite put my finger on.

Luke: I get told that all the time. It's no problem. We can work around it.

Leia: No, no, there’s something about you that doesn’t seem right. I don’t know but I feel it would be wrong to be intimate with you. Like it would be against the laws of nature.

Luke: Against the laws of nature? Whew. I gotta tell you, that sound you just heard, that *whoosh*, that was the sound of my ego being vaporized. I definitely felt, a whaddya call it? A disturbance in the Force. I mean, I’ve been shot down before, but—

Leia: No, no, no, shut up already, you don’t feel it too? That’d we be doing something completely wrong—taboo?

Luke: Oh I get it. You have intimacy issues, you bring up taboo! This is so classic!

Leia: I do NOT have intimacy issues! There is something…something…incestuous about us getting together!

(They both look at each other. It dawns on Luke.)

Luke: Ohhhh! Oh my God… We’re related? You know I did feel kinda weird, but I just thought it was the hair (he points to her head)…I thought it was the hair! This is horrible. Something was making me uneasy, but then I’m always uneasy. Oh, this is just great! The closest I come to getting laid in years, and it’s with my sister!

Leia: There was really no chance—

Luke: Oh, excuse me, I’ll be right back. I’m going to gouge my eyes out.