Studytime. In Which Dave has a Gollum-like Conversation

So here I am, it's 3:13a.m. and I'm at work, attempting to study. The ghost of Darwin is hanging around, but he's just mouthing all of his words and I can't understand, and it's all a bit creepy. I must concentrate and put all frivilous thoughts behind me (or at least in a box somewhere, where I can pick them up at my convienence.
Characteristics of natural selection... the potential for reproductive rates must outpace food supply... presence of variety in all species...

(Dave. Dave! Hello? Dave. What if you were King of the Vampires?)

Shut up, I'm trying to study! Yes, where was I? There is constant competition among individuals for survival.

(Dave! Think about it, King of the Vampires, dude! You could do all sorts of cool shit!)

Okay, that's enough. The test is Tuesday. That's technically, FUCK, that's tommorrow! Individuals with favorable traits are much more likely to survive.

(Yes, survive, you'd survive, but your enemies wouldn't. If you were King of the Vampires.)

SHUT. UP. This is serious. Favorable traits passed on with greater succes than unfavorable ones.

(You could pass on favorable vampire traits to your victims, dude. Like the ability to turn into mist. And put the whammy on unsuspecting frails.)

I'm NOT LISTENING. I'm studying, hah-ha!! ENVIRONMENT DETERMINES WHICH TRAITS ARE FAVOR--- favorable? Hello? You there? Am I finally alone? I can focus on natural selection now? Is that okay with you? Ahem. Geographical isolation may eventually cause the formation of a new species.

(Sooooo, if you were King of the Vampires, who would you make for your vampiric bride?)

Oh holy shit. I have had it! How the hell am I supposed to-- Wait a minute. It could be anybody?

(That's what I'm saying.)

Oh. Well, hell, I'm thinking Christina Ricci, dude!! HELL YEAH!!!