A Brief History of Evolutionary Thought

I have an Anthropology test on Tuesday. Usually I don't freak out about such things, but it's essay format, which means I can't just guess from the multiple choice like usual. Which means I have to recall... stuff. One of the questions is bound to be on evolutionary concepts, Darwin and pre-Darwin. Or as I like to characterize it, before X-Men and after X-Men. So, as a way of keeping up with my studies AND blogging, I've decided to write an outline essay just so I can form the basic concepts in my head. May God have mercy on us all.

Evolution is a scientific theory. Many people make fun of it, saying, "Hey, ya big dumb theory, when ya gonna get your shit together and become a fact." What the haters don't realize is that evolution is a scientific theory with a wealth of support, and is the unifying theory of the biological sciences. And evolutionary theory has been asked to the prom three times by the most popular boys in class, so if you got a problem, you need to take it elsewhere, Ms. Thing!

Darwin is credited with formulating the theory of natural selection, although Alfred Russel Wallace independently duplicated Darwin's ideas. Darwin also was the first to fight Magneto, dispelling him with a wooden baseball bat. But there were many talented thinkers who provided the groundwork for Darwin's ideas. You could say there was an evolution to evolutionary thought. I wouldn't do that, because that would be a really cheesy thing to say. I have my dignity to think of. (But if I blank out on the test, I might pull that out just to get the word count up. Then all notions of dignity go out the window.)

The Middle Ages were a dark time, filled with hobbits and elves. Everything was very dirty, due to the fact that our ancestors had no towels. People starved as well, presumably because the phone hadn't been invented yet and you could not call Pizza Hut for delivery. Consequently, many people turned to religion to solve their problems. In Europe, the predominant worldview was one of stasis and the fixity of the species. Nothing could change because God made everything right the first time, why would things change? If things got too bad, the proper way to fix things was to flush out the whole lot with a good old-fashioned biblical flood. Or to be destroyed by Godzilla. (See the lost book of Godzilla.)

Christian teachings that God created all life in this manner were taken quite literally. Sure, we look back now and say, wow, no wonder they were all killed by orcs. But back then, this was a sure thing. They believed in a hierarchy called the Great Chain of Being, an idea that was first purposed by Aristotle in 4 B.C. and confirmed by Marie Osmond in 1982. The basic idea behind it was that there was a chain of life, with everyone getting a particular rank, the lowest forms being at the bottom, and the highest forms, The Osmonds, being at the top. This was all percieved as being part of the Grand Design.

Archbishop James Ussher added the prominent idea that the world had been created in 4004 B.C., which he calculated by reading "The Da Vinci Code," and adding up the ISBN numbers and dividing by the total number of books of the Bible. This belief, that the earth was very young, coupled with the notion of the fixity of species was a significant obstacle to the development of evolutionary thought. That and the Dark Lord Sauron and his all-seeing evil eye.

In the 1500's the scientific revolution started to to develop as fundamental ideas of the earth and the biological world began to change, or if you were being clever, evolve. Get it, they're evolving? And this whole paper is on evolution. That is so FUCKING clever. {pause for maniacal laughter} Man, I'm going to bomb this so bad. Anyways.

The year was 1514. Tom Hanks had just won the Oscar for Philadelphia. And some kooky bastard named Copernicus decided to challange one of Aristotle's ideas to a drinking contest. Copernicus posited that the earth was so not the center of the universe, (as if!) and that the solar system was heliocentric. This freaked Europeans out, but not the Indians who had already figured that one out a long time ago. This would come into play later on in Superman II.

In the 17th century scientists began to develop the laws of physics, motion and gravity so we could safely walk without floating away. We also made great strides in casting off the chains of our oppresive ape masters. Europeans began to investigate nature as if it was mechanistic, and sought to discover its fundamental laws without reference to biblical ideas or songs by Jewel. This pissed off thousands of angry Jewel fans, which in turn, was the impetus for the Russian revolution.

There were many precursors to the theory of evolution, not the least of which was the "Theory of Chicken as a Pizza Topping," which is highly contested to this day, so much so that I am risking my life mentioning it right now. But there were many scientists and thinkers who came up with these great ideas, most of them proven wrong today, and it is a good idea to list them so as to use up all the paper in my essay book as quickly as possible. They were the ones who provided Darwin with a framework of ideas for his theory of evolution. They were smart, controversial, highly attractive, and in the case of Jean-Baptiste Lamarck, refreshingly French.

Showing a devastating lack of creativity, I shall discuss them in chronological order. John Ray (1627-1705), an ordained minister at Cambridge University, was the first to recognize that groups of plants and animals could be distinguished from other groups by their ability to produce offspring. He also masturbated quite frequently, described in stunning detail in his essay "On the Process of Masturbating." He coined the terms genus and species, recognizing that similar species could be grouped together. This was actually a big deal, on par with the invention of the XBox.

Carolus Linnaeus (1707-1778) was the Swedish naturalist with the crazy name! He believed in the fixity of the species, which was stupid. He also believed that squirrels turned out the sun at night. But hey, he did develop the binomial system of classification for plants in his publication, Systema Naturae (1735.) He also added the taxonomic levels class and order, classifying humans as Homo sapiens. This too, pissed off the Jewel fans, resulting in more Russian revolution.

Comte de Buffon (1707-1788) had parents who hated him, resulting in the ridiculous name. He stressed the importance of change in the universe and the dynamics between nature and living forms in Natural History (1749). The fact that it was a coloring book did not diminish its ideas. Linnaeus did not believe that species could give rise to another species, an unfortunate observation that seemed ironic when he turned into a cockroach.

Erasmus Darwin (1731-1802) was Charles Darwin's grandfather. He was a free-thinking physician who got his kicks writing evolutionary ideas composed in verse and chasing scullery maids around really fast, like Benny Hill. He would often throw empty bottles of whiskey at young Charles, shouting "Survive this, boy!" He would later go on to write the Bon Jovi classic "You Give Love a Bad Name."

Jean-Baptiste Lamarck (1744-1829) was French, as you can tell because his name is made up of French words. He was the first to propose an explanation of the evolutionary process. He proposed a theory of the inheritance of acquired characteristics in which an animal's body parts are altered through use or disuse. He masturbated a lot. He thought that these altered characteristics were transmitted to their offspring. Although this is biologically impossible and incredibly silly, he nevertheless is credited with being the first to recognize the importace of the interaction between organisms and their environment in the evolutionary process. He was also the first to recognize the importance of being French.

Georges Cuvier (1769-1832) was also French. He was an opponent to Lamarck's evolutionary ideas, calling them filthy pig farts and tawdry rat nipple poo-poo crap. Cuvier was a vertebrate paleontologist, back when they didn't even know what that was. He introduced the concept of extinction to explain the existence of hitherto unknown fossil forms. This depressed the hell out of many people. He was also a proponent of catastrophism, the idea that the earth's geological features are a result of catastrophic events, the most recent examples being the biblical flood and the break-up of Ben Affleck and J.Lo. He believed that these events destroyed old life forms and the newer forms were the results of creation events. I'm really not sure what the hell he was talking about. Cuvier was a big proponent of the fixity of the species and had plans to open a chain of "Fixity of the Species" buffett restaurants to prove it, before he was killed in a particularly brutal Catherine Wheel accident.

Charles Lyell (1797-1875) was the man who arguably influenced Darwin the most. He also had the least silly name. During the years of 1830-1833 he wrote his classic "Principles of Geology," which would not only ensure him as the father of modern geology, but would overshadow his previous work, "Sheepherding! Not Just for Profit Anymore!"

Lyell demonstrated through puppetry that uniform processes could account for present geological features. This became known as uniformitarianism, despite Lyell's best efforts at promoting the more upbeat "Lyellrocks!ism." His ideas freaked people out because they provided the time depth necessary for biological evolution to have occured.

Thomas Malthus (1766-1834), an English clergyman and economist wrote "An Essay on the Principles of Population (1798). This important contribution was highlighted by the fact that he wrote it over the period of one year in the nude except for the a thin sheen of butter. His ideas highlighting the connection between population sizes and food supply influenced not only Alfred Russel Wallace and Charles Darwin, but also inspired U2 to go techno in the 90's.

Let's take a few sentences to remember Mary Anning (1799-1847). This remarkable, sassy woman contributed signifigantly to the field of paleontology by discovering hundreds of fossils including the first complete fossil of an Ichthyosaurus. She was burned as a witch when her dark magics were discovered.

All of these incredibly boring people formed their own league, a Justice League to save us from Starro, the conqueror from beyond the stars. But what many people don't realize is that they also had a profound effect on Alfred Russel Wallace and Charles Darwin. If they hadn't contributed their thoughts and ideas to the scientific world, not only would we not understand this amazing theory, I might be doing something more interesting, like watching Matlock. So fuck you, pioneers of science, fuck you!