Ask Brian "the Boz" Bosworth

(note: these are actual Boz excerpts from his "autobiography")

Listen up, people! You got shitty lives! The Boz is here to help! Lay it on me!

Dear Boz,
I'm having a problem with my husband. Whenever he's on the computer, he refuses to let me see what he is working on. He says its for work. I think he's lying. What do you think? --Worried in West Virginia

Dear Worried: "Two-faced people suck. That's one reason I like football. There's no hypocrisy in football. There's no looking at both sides of the ball. If there's a guy over there in an orange shirt and you're wearing green, then you go kick the ass of the guy in the orange shirt. Simple as that."

Dear Boz,
I have a crush on one of my co-workers. I'm really thinking of asking her out. Do you think it's appropriate to do so? ---Confused in Chicago

Dear Confused: "Miami. The Orange Bowl. New Year's Night, 1986. And I'm standing on the field between plays, peeling a huge chunk of skin out of my hand and grinning. I'm not talking about a little skin. I'm talking about layers of skin, a big gouge of skin the size of a big broken rubber band. And it feels good. It hurts like hell, but it feels good. In fact, it feels great. The more skin, the better."

Dear Boz,
Me and my wife have lost that special spark between us. Things have gotten so bad we're thinking about getting a divorce. What should we do? --- Depressed in Detroit

Dear Depressed: "The only thing I like as much as football is making love. Okay, I like it better than, say, a regular season game, but not the playoffs. I like to make love in romantic, exciting places. One place I have not made love is in a perfect stranger's house. Just walk in the front door of somebody's house you've never met, find a room, and make love. The danger is half the fun. Haven't been able to convince my girlfriend on that one yet."

Dear Boz,
I am a complete geek and I don't know how to look "cool." I think if I had a little bit of fashion sense, I could get a girlfriend. Please help! --Stressed in Scranton

Dear Stressed: "I've got a serious jones for clothes. I must have twenty pairs of jeans. I wear mostly black. Makes you look ominous. The Raiders sent me this one sweatshirt: REAL MEN WEAR BLACK. I wear it all the time. That's my attitude. I guess I'm into clothes so much because I used to be a real Gomer in high school. Lots of polyester, lots of blends, Levis that zip up, golf shirts your dad would wear. I looked like Lumpy Rutherford."

Dear Boz,
Sometimes I get really depressed. I just don't know how to cope with life. What do you do when life gets you down? --SAD in Seattle

Dear SAD,
"Despite our being blown out of the play-offs in the first round...and despite the fact that our defense gave up more yards than Refrigerator Perry's shirtmaker... and despite the fact that it took some of my teammates a while to accept me for who I am (which, I admit, takes some time)... and despite the fact that I don't talk to my good buddies, the journalists of Seattle, for the entire regular season... my first season as a professional football player sometimes was a hoot."

Dear Boz,
Me and my best friend have known each other for years, but lately I feel like we are drifting apart. Is there any advice you can give me? --Sullen in San Francisco

Dear Sullen,
"Alonzo did something to me that game I'd never had doned before or since. He knocked me on my ass twice on one play. Twice! On one play! And then he gave me the Boz treatment. 'You low-life. I'll keep knocking your ass down, too, so you might as well just stop getting up, asshole.' Sounds like something off my greatest hits album. But the next quarter I hit him so hard he had to leave the game. He was hurting too. So I said, 'Take your candy ass out of the game, you crybaby.' Other than that, we were great friends."

The New Cars

I have been car shopping. This is a fun activity enjoyed by scores of Americans who are really rich, like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. For me though (i am not Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie, although I have been confused for Ernest Borgnine) it is quite the chore. And by chore, I mean I'd rather hit myself in the testicles with a deluxe edition copy of Stephen King's "The Stand." The unedited version.

Car salesmen have a bad reputation. They are viewed by most people as the worst kind of scum, like politicians, telemarketers, and pedophiles. Well, come on, that's unfair. They aren't anywhere as bad as politicians. Still, the image of a greasy, ex-high school football quarterback in a suit and tie, who winks at the female customers and disparages women to the male customers is hard to shake. I knew that if I was going to find a decent car that had all the features I wanted (4 cylinder, good fuel economy, ejection seat, surface-to-air missle launcher), I was going to have to have a game plan. My first game plan consisted of locating a roaming pack of howler monkeys. Unable to locate said monkeys, I had to formulate plan 2. Operation: Indifference.

If there's one thing car salesmen hate, it's the feeling that their charm is not being acknowledged. Knowing this, I decided to undercut each car salesman, using this principle. I was working alone, but this principle actually works well in pairs. For example, if a car salesman approaches you, and tries to engage you in conversation, you simply ignore him and talk to the person next to you. If you are alone, simply open up your cell phone and pretend to talk about something really banal.
Car salesman: "Can I help you, miss?"
You on the phone: "Oh my god! Skim milk? REALLY?"

Another tactic is to ask lots of questions. It doesn't matter if they are related to cars or not. In fact, it's better if they don't.

Car Salesman: "Can I help you, little filly?"
You: "Can you tell me what the depreciation value is like for this model? What kind of fuel economy does this car get? Spock or Yoda? Who would win in a fight? Did Oswald act alone or was he a patsy of a secret cabal of a shadow government? What is Olestra? You're a car salesman, right? What is your favorite Cars song? If it matches mine, I will buy the first car I see."

Another tactic to disorient and fuck with car salesman is to pretend that you are rich and powerful.

Car Salesman: "Can I help you, my ripe young tomato?"
You: "Yesssss, dahlink, I am looking to buy a Ferrari, but I need it in teal to match my limited edition Assault Vehicle Hummer. I'll need trunk space for my collection of furs and other exotic animals...and oh yes, your balls hanging from the rear view mirror. Bow before me, plebian, but not before fetching me a chilled Peligrino!"

My favorite distraction technique was just to talk about anything but cars. "So what do you think of this number," the salesman would say pointing to a god-awful PT Cruiser (sorry, those things just look wrong to me). And it should be noted that every car salesman is obssessed with unloading PT Cruisers. Even if you go on a Kia lot, they have thousands of PT Cruisers that they are trying to get rid of. The first time I was shown one, I was pretty honest, but in a Larry David kinda way. I stared at it for like 5 minutes...
Me: "Eh. I'm not feeling it."
Incredulous Salesman: "You don't like the PT Cruiser?"
Me: "Eh...it's shape is...worrisome to me."
Incredulous Salesman: "People LOVE this car."
Me: "I'm trying to...The shape is disturbing."
Incredulous Salesman: "BUT--"
Me: "I'm trying to love the PT Cruiser! But it's not happening!"

After this, I just tried to change the subject.
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: What kind of shoes are those?
Salesman: What?
Me: Did you get those at Dillards?
Salesman: I, uh, I don't remember...
Me: They're nice.
Salesman: Now this car is perfect for you--
Me: Do they come in brown?
Salesman: Well, we have several colors...
Me: No, the shoes. Because I have black shoes. Not quite like those. But similar. So I'm thinking brown.


So, these are ideas to get you started in your quest for a car. Realistically, they probably won't help you. But they'll annoy salesmen. And really, isn't that what it's all about?

7 Days--7 Albums

I started out making a Top Ten favorite albums list, which got progessively harder the more I thought about it. On any given day, there are scores of albums that could be my favorite. So I narrowed it down to 7 and removed the "best of" label. Instead, here are my recs for every day of the week. The ground rules: no doubling up (or tripling) of favorite bands/artists. Let's spread that love around. And no Greatest Hits. That's cheating. Speaking of cheating, let's start.

Sunday: Talking Heads-- "Stop Making Sense" Yes, it's a cheat because there are a variety of Heads songs in a concert setting. It's a completely valid choice, however, because the transformative power of the concert energy both changes and unifies the songs. Not only is it the best live album that I've ever heard, both in terms of technical skill and energetic passion, but it works as a good old-fashioned showcase of the musical inventiveness that characterizes the Talking Heads. Everything I love about the band and music in general intersects in this album. A great entry point for anyone interested in the Heads.

Monday: R.E.M.-- My 2nd favorite band ever. Not so much in style, but in earnest ebullience, R.E.M. is Talking Heads' lil brother. And nowhere did the stars align for these guys than with "Automatic for the People." A collection that melds the elegant with rock and roll messiness. The subject matter veers from personal to political and it all makes sense. "Find the River" is my favorite R.E.M. song ever.

Tuesday: Billy Joel-- "52nd Street" Billy Joel was the first musician I remember liking as a kid. He was a great writer of pop hits and often was described as a hitmaker in the Tin Pan Alley tradition. That's not inaccurate, but my favorite stuff that he did was the very jazzy, 70's era NY vibe that was on "52nd Street." To a kid growing up in a small Idaho town, 52nd street was a saxophone in a dirty, smoke-filled bar in NY. Plus it's got "Big Shot," my favorite New Yawk Billy Joel song ever.

Wednesday: Indigo Girls-- "Swamp Ophelia"--one of the few albums I can put on repeat and listen all day. Never did pay attention to which song was Amy Ray's or Emily's...just knew that I loved them all. Least Complicated & Power of Two are as deeply affecting as love songs come and that's because the girls realize that the best songs about love aren't abstractions, they're specific, personal journeys.

Thursday: U2--"All That You Can't Leave Behind"... Nobody can make the guitar sound like churchbell chimes the way the Edge can & likewise, Bono preaches the Holy Spirit like he's got 5 minutes to save your soul before the apocalypse comes. I actually liked the preceding techno albums, but "All that you can't leave behind" was a welcome return to the sound that made them famous. This one also gets sentimentality points because when it was released, the songs mirrored my life with a stunning authenticity. "Walk On" despite being played to death never fails to take me to a part of myself that I can't quite access without it. Elevation, Kite, Stuck in a Moment...it may sound sacreligious, but U2 is Jesus with a guitar.

Friday: Peter Gabriel--Up-- His last studio album is the one that keeps blowing my mind. As each new album increasingly veers from the mainstream, they also incrementally become deeper, darker, and more haunting. Each album has seemingly built on the last, becoming more "Peter Gabriely". UP takes all of the great PG themes... love, loss, fear... and throws them into a musical blender. The opening song Darkness creeps, then shouts, then breaks down to find release in hope. "I Grieve" is one of the most profound statements on death I've ever heard and "No Way Out" is tender, sad, and real.

Saturday: Simple Minds--"Street Fighting Years"-- U2 weren't the only ones in the 80's making arena-ready political pop/rock songs with beauty and clarity. "Belfast Child" is a poignant and goose-bump inducing reworking of an irish folk song-- (i forget which one)... Soul Crying Out is the rare song that rocks out and yet remains empathic and tender. This is Your Land (Featuring guest vocals by Lou Reed) offers (imo) one of the most moving songs on environmental responsibility ever. And a cover of Peter Gabriel's Biko is a triumph.

That's my week. Next week will change. ;)

100 Things About Me: a journey into narcissism

(btw, the formatting and general idea for this post I stole directly from Eyre Affairs. Bwah-ha-ha!)

1.) There are screech owls in the trees across from our house that screech at me every night.
2.) I used to hate Jack Johnson, now I’m a fan.
3.) I once went to a church where the members surrounded me and yelled for Satan to leave this boy.
4.) I like to eat peanut butter and jelly on graham crackers.
5.) Peas are what they are serving in hell.
6.) My favorite Christmas album is a tie between Phil Spector and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
7.) I still read comic books. And I always will.
8.) I don’t believe in love at first sight. But I do believe that you can energetically love someone before you see them.
9.) I’ve seen the first two seasons of Queer as Folk.
10.) I’m addicted to pizza.
11.) The most beautiful sound in the world is laughter that comes out of nowhere.
12.) One of my favorite movies is “Ishtar.”
13.) My favorite Simon and Garfunkel song is “The Only Living Boy in New York.”
14.) My favorite book of the Bible is Ecclesiastes.
15.) I don’t like pina colodas or getting caught in the rain.
16.) I was Creon in a college production of “Antigone.”
17.) I play the Talking Heads song “Naïve Melody” anytime I move into a new place, just like it was done in “Wall Street” when Charlie Sheen moved into his new apartment.
18.) “Great Books” by David Denby changed my life.
19.) Sometimes I’ll see something funny in a movie and I’m the only one laughing.
20.) My favorite Emily Dickinson poem is “Much Madness is Divinest Sense.” (Not sure of the number.)
21.) I love garlic.
22.) I have the world’s ugliest suitcase. It was cool in the ‘70’s. But no one would ever steal it.
23.) Balboa Park is the coolest park on earth. Kick ass zoo, museums, the missions, and on outdoor amphitheater devoted to a pipe organ? What’s not to love?
24.) I have a Plymouth Voyager mini-van that has a Jesus fish and a Resevoir Dogs sticker on it.
25.) I always thought Kiss was overrated. And Gene Simmons is a no-talent ass clown.
26.) This last spring break, I drove around 3000 miles, which, I believe, is the equivalent to the Proclaimers walking 500 miles.
27.) I’ve never been to Canada.
28.) I’ve met Michelle Pfieffer and Anthony Hopkins.
29.) My favorite books include Lolita, The Grapes of Wrath, and Catch-22.
30.) When I was a kid, me and my friends Denny and Aaron, rode out on our bikes to the drive-in theater to sneak a peek at “Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life” and subsequently got eaten up by mosquitoes.
31.) I love New Yorker magazine.
32.) I’ve gotten somebody a bowling trophy as a present before.
33.) My favorite recipe is vegetarian pesto lasagna.
34.) My friend Mike and I both collect autographs.
35.) I’ve read all the original Hardy Boys mysteries.
36.) The best sushi I ever ate was in San Diego.
37.) Dolls are creepy.
38.) Talking childrens’ toys sound satanic when their batteries run down. Trust me.
39.) I used to work in a semiconductor plant.
40.) I believe the difference between infatuation and love is one of pain.
41.) I like Orange Crush but I cannot find it anymore.
42.) I’m currently writing a comic book with my artist friend Aaron, who is drawing it.
43.) “Lord of the Flies” makes me uneasy.
44.) Sometimes I wonder if my dead sister can hear me.
45.) My favorite couple is Bogie and Bacall.
46.) I lost my shorts in the Nile. No, really.
47.) Four more movies and I’ll have seen every Woody Allen film.
48.) When I met Michelle Pfieffer I asked her to sign my “Grease 2” album.
49.) I drink more iced tea than anything.
50.) I’ve been to Area 51. (well, to the fence, at any rate.)
51.) Sometimes I’ll crack open a road atlas, look at the maps, and travel in my mind.
52.) I got a D in swimming.
53.) I got a C in Rollerskating.
54.) I love to smell the coffee, even when I’m already awake.
55.) Sometimes, inexplicably, the theme music for the NBC Nightly News runs through my head.
56.) I’ve never seen a zombie movie. (Sorry, Waylon.)
57.) When we were teens, my friends Waylon, Jeff, and Satina assisted me in breaking into the condemned Junior High building in the middle of the night. We had to ply the boards off with a crowbar.
58.) Melissa Gilbert is hot.
59.) I am the least mechanically inclined male I know. And I’m including the gay ones.
60.) I went to the Gay Pride Parade in San Diego in 2002 with Satina and Shannon.
61.) Root Beer barrels rock.
62.) I have a catchphrase that I stole from my friend Waylon. It is: “I’m duly chagrined.”
63.) When I’m really sick, I put on Mozart’s Requiem.
64.) My favorite apples are Fuji.
65.) I once wrote an x-rated X-Files fanfic where Scully strips for Mulder at Disneyland. It was called “The Happiest Place on Earth.”
66.) I can’t stand Bill O’Reilly, but I must admit, without him, we never would have had the hilarious Stephen Colbert show.
67.) I have an embarrassing array of Sharpies.
68.) I have an “I shot J.R.” mug, but I do not know who shot J.R.
69.) After three hours of trying to put my computer desk together, I wanted blood. (other than my own.)
70.) Funny shit: Father Ted, Arrested Development, Ishtar, My Cousin Vinny, Curb Your Enthusiasm (I know…I lose credibility with Ishtar, don’t I? Just watch it, it’s great!)
71.) I’ll buy albums even though I do not have a turntable.
72.) Purple onions and cucumbers in red wine vinegar are wonderful.
73.) When I was a kid I lost my Han Solo in Hoth outfit action figure. Every now and then I think about it.
74.) I had a slingshot when I was a kid. (Note: never give a slingshot to a kid.)
75.) System of a Down’s “B.Y.O.B” is a fun song to sing in the car when you’re sitting in traffic.
76.) I once got a phone call from Joey Bishop. LOL, no really!
77.) I wish I could go back in time (and space) to visit ‘70’s era NYC. I’d haunt CBGB’s.
78.) The greatest television season finale belongs to “Twin Peaks.”
79.) I think “Vanity Fair” would make an excellent Broadway musical.
80.) I hope on this year’s Treehouse of Horror they do a Saw parody with Krusty.
81.) I once stayed at the Westward Ho in Las Vegas. They had a comedy show which they described as “ho-larious.”
82.) I’ve had a catheter ablation done. So did Tony Blair a couple years back.
83.) I’ve been known to tear up when I hear the “humming chorus” from Madama Butterfly.
84.) Typically, if a show isn’t available as a podcast or DVD, I’m not watching it.
85.) My dream dinner party would be Mel Brooks, Leni Reifenstahl, Dave Barry, Madeline Albright, Larry David and Malcolm X.
86.) Sometimes I think it’d be cool if Carly Simon hooked up with Art Garfunkel.
87.) The Family Circus is so unfunny it makes me angry. But then I realize how angry I am and I lauuuuuugh.
88.) I would love to visit Carhenge.
89.) I’m pretty convinced that there was unresolved sexual tension between Jo and Blair on the Facts of Life.
90.) When I’m tired I say really goofy thinks like: “I want to go to the school of Bon Jovi. I’m going to get a degree in Bad Medicine.”
91.) Why nobody has done a gay production of “Romeo and Juliet,” I don’t know.
92.) The Chieftains kick ass in concert.
93.) It’s not fun to drive a Uhaul and trailer over the Donner Pass. Or through L.A. at 3:30 on a Friday afternoon. Trust me.
94.) I can dill pickles every August.
95.) I’ve never taken drugs. I once tried to smoke a joint, did it wrong, and achieved a state between ennui and opprobrium.
96.) I once met Joan Baez.
97.) A birthday party with out-of-control, hopped-up-on-sugar children can be as terrifying as Iraq.
98.) I did open-mic stand up every week for 6 months.
99.) I wasn’t that good. But neither was anyone else, so I fit right in.
100.) That g-damn Snuggle bear creeps me out.

Blueberries

I live in a small orchard town known as Emmett. Times are changing, and as sprawl from Boise comes in, the orchards disappear and are replaced by new subdivisions and golf courses. This transformation hasn't fully occured yet. Much of what I love about this town is still here. There are still some orchards, though not as many as when I was growing up. Main Street, once the hub of the town, has fallen into disrepair, but the old buildings, many of which date back to the early 1900's, still hang on, trying to make the awkward shift to the modern. The old Rexall drug store where I used to buy colorful Spider-Man and Superman comic books now sells satellite dishes. Alma's Cafe, a greasy spoon that would have been a great setting for a Fannie Flagg novel, is now a pawn shop. And still, despite all of this ignominious change, I hold onto the town of my youth. One way I do this is simple. When July rolls around I go to Suyehira Farms, on the outskirts of the North end and I pick blueberries with my mom.

Suyehira Farms, owned by a friendly, elderly, Japanese fellow, sells blueberries two ways. They pick them for you or you can pick them. It's a little over $3.00 a pound if they do it and about $1.80 a pound if you get out there and do it yourself. Why, I wouldn't do it any other way, even if the price was the same. There's something to be said for picking the berry yourself, each one a rich treasure of flavor. If you go in the morning (which we did), the sun isn't too hot yet, but you do have to contend with mosquitoes. But, at any rate, residents of Emmett are used to that. Mosquitoes are so ubiquitous that we are on great terms. We name them and ask them how they are doing before we slap our legs and arms. I hate to tell you, but I had to kill Roscoe last night.

Between us we picked around 15 pounds. We like blueberries, but we aren't as greedy as we seem. Sisters each get a bag...friends...people at church. Plus we freeze them. Mom told me (and I think she picked this up from Martha Stewart) that if you put them on a cookie sheet and freeze them like that, you can then transfer them to freezer bags and they won't clump all together in a massive blueberry chunk. Then, come January, you take out a bag and have delicious, flavorful blueberries in your pancakes on a cold winter morning.

This batch was especially good. (Picking them requires constant sampling.) The color of the berries was a rich, deep blue, almost tinging into purple... Packed with antioxidents, they tell me! The fragrant tart of the fruit was misleading as when I popped one into my mouth I was pleased to discover that the tartness was subdued with sweet. A good batch. We immediately served a bowl with sponge cake and Cool Whip to reward our work.

Here are my two favorite blueberry recipes.

BLUEBERRY-CORNMEAL PANCAKES

1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup yellow cornmeal
2 tablespoons sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 egg, lightly beaten
1 cup plain nonfat yogurt
3 tablespoons skim milk
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1 cup fresh or frozen blueberries

1.) In a large bowl, stir together flour, cornmeal, sugar, baking powder, soda, salt, and cinnamon.
2.) In a medium bowl, stir together the egg, yogurt, milk, and oil. Add yogurt mixture all at once to flour mixture, stirring until moistened. Gently fold in blueberries.
3. For each pancake, spread about 1/3 cup batter into a 4-inch circle onto a hot, non-stick griddle or skillet. Cook over medium heat until golden brown, turning to second side when pancake edges are slightly dry.

Makes 4 servings, each 2 pancakes.

(I got this recipe from the Idaho Power bill, which includes recipes that supposedly use little energy!)

BLUEBERRY CRISP

5 cups thinly sliced, peeled tart apples (Granny Smith or pippen works great)
1 cup blueberries
2 teaspoons lemon or lime juice
3 tablespoons powdered sugar
1/2 cup quick-cooking rolled oats
1/3 cup packed brown sugar
3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon ginger
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
2 tablespoons margarine

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
2. In large mixing bowl, combine apples, blueberries, lemon or lime juice, and sugar. Transfer to 2-quart square baking dish or 9-inch pie plate.
3. In small bowl, combine oats, brown sugar, flour, ginger and cinnamon. Cut in margarine until crumbly.
4. Sprinkle oat mixture evenly over apple mixture. Bake in preheated oven 30-35 minutes or until apples are tender.
5. Serve warm to one very greedy blueberry lover or six if you share.

Yield: Up to six servings.

(This recipe came from our local paper, The Idaho Statesman.)